Looking back on a week just full of humdingers...
Sure, Locke left for a weekend out, Ben moved the island, and Kate got a mysterious phone call from a person who could talk backward — but last night's Lost finale seems downright explicable compared to what else happened this week:
Jean-Claude Van Damme made the best film of 2008. A bunch of Internet spoilers turned out to be completely accurate. Uwe Boll actually kept his mouth shut for once. Hollywood discovered the world's only non-annoying child actor. We exposed Lost as the Deal or No Deal ripoff that it truly is. The threesome testimony in R. Kelly's child pornography trial was delayed when a threesome-debunking surprise witness materialized! Also, prosecutors somehow managed to track down the one guy who doesn't believe that Kellz's image was added to that sex tape using CGI.
A bunch of actors from The Wire got jobs. "Y.M.C.A." was revealed as pretty much the most heterosexual song of all time. Mena Suvari was cast as a black person. Some aberrant straight dudes expressed a reluctance to go see the Sex and the City movie in the theater. Salon, claiming to have read our blog, published an erroneous Internet report accusing us of not loving ScarJo's album. Blockbuster video unveiled a new business plan inconsistent with their reputation as a company on the bleeding edge of technology. Al Gore is writing an opera. Some crazy person purported to have found flaws in Ben Silverman's work ethic.
Poo-fearing opera fans were shocked by the discovery of mouse dooty at the Met. Will a book about barnacle penises be this year's Marley and Me? (Yes.) The Watchmen movie will be like nine hours long. Also, a video game actually taught us how to do something. Coldplay's new album was declared better than the Bible, and the Hold Steady album was declared pretty much just another Hold Steady album.
